Well its interesting to me how different situations affect different people. I must say I think I have hit a new stage in the emotional process of adopting a child. As you can imagine I was a mess on Monday after getting word that we MAY be experiencing a setback in being reunited with Blake. Tuesday wasn’t much better until about 6:00 pm. When Justin (let me just say he is the most amazing husband and my best friend) got home I just lost it. Tears were streaming down my face, and I was completely wiped out. That was a pivotal point for me. All of the sudden I realized what I needed to do. I need to give up. I am NOT giving up on Blake. I am NOT giving up on preparing our hearts and home for him. I am NOT giving up on staying informed about our adoption process. But I am giving up on trying to stay one step ahead of this process. I am giving up on trying to ‘out-smart’ the procedures that cause you to wait so long. It has become apparent to me that this is all out of my control and there is NOTHING I can do to make it better. Granted, I have said those words before - that I know I am not in control, but this week has forced me to accept what God has been trying to show me all along.
As the night went on, I felt so much relief. The pain is still there. The not knowing is driving me insane, but removing the pressure from myself to try to change all of it has been exactly what I needed. I found myself singing a song about surrendering all. I had no idea what the song was or where it was coming from so I Googled the words that came to mind and found the exact song I was singing. I have uploaded here if you would like to hear it (much better than my singing I must say!)
This afternoon I am heading to a technology conference in St. Charles and will be gone until Friday evening. I will miss Justin, Brady, and Madison but am looking forward to the much needed distraction. Wanna know what I am secretly hoping for???? The last time I was away at a conference is when we got our call for our referral. How incredibly cool and ironic would it be if I got ‘the call’ while I was at this conference. Of course I have been told if I am expecting it then it removes the irony, but still a girl can dream can’t she? :o)
For those that have asked, we have heard nothing - not one word about what to expect next. But for now, that is ok. We are not alone in our wait.
7 comments:
Ohhhh Heather -- I am so sorry you are going through so much pain and stress. I wish I could take it all away for you. I don't want to be trite - or pass it off, but I do think of the saying "this, too, shall pass" - and soon you'll be seeing Blake again.
But I always HATED it when people said that to! Because you want it NOW!! I know. Sometimes I feel like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka -- I WANT AN OMPA LOOMPA NOW DADDY (add your own whine and shrillness). I know someday we will look back at this time and laugh. However, that time isn't yet! Soon, my friend... soon.
Hugs
Heather, I have no clue the pain you must be feeling, but I can imagine. I have not gone through an adoption process, but I am glad there are others in the same journey as you to know and relate to your exact feelings. My heart aches seeing your heart ache as you wait for answers. God has led you on this journey and will not leave you behind. He is there, and even though you can't be there in person to watch over Blake yet, God is there watching over him every minute of every day. He holds Blake in his hands just as he holds you, Justin, Brady, and Madison. You are separate physically from Blake, however you are all together in the arms of God.
Faith is amazing, but it can still be hard knowing your heart is half way around the world. While you find comfort in God's timing and planning, I know that it is still hard to be separated from your son, Blake.
I pray for you all everyday, and pray that Blake it making out just fine as he waits for your return.
As I've read your entries, it is amazing to think what a "process" all of this is when there is a little boy out there waiting to be part of your family. It's not just a paper trail...it's a little boy's life waiting to join his mom/dad/brother/sister.
love, hugs, and prayers for you all...
I completely understand. We were in Vlad the week after you were and our emotions are running about the same level. I don't have a blog but check yours quite frequently to gauge where you are in the process to hopefully predict where we are (yeah right). I will keep you in my prayers.
oops, forgot to leave my contact info (says anonymous). If you would like to stay in touch regarding our stage of the process (who knows maybe we will be there same time) my e-mail address is bendlinalex@yahoo.com.
I try to keep up with you and your journey. some days i get behind. but know I am here for you all. If you need it I will so my best to help! IT'LL BE ALRIGHT!
LOVE YA
Heather,
I have carried your words of surrender with me this weekend--you so totally expressed exactly how I have been feeling and my desire to just let go of all of this and allow myself to know that God is in control. You are in my prayers as things begin to sort themselves out.
Carolynn
I love reading your blog, partially because it is a process Jordan and I may be part of in the near future and partially because it does not fail to amaze me how you can put into words many feelings that are similar to my own. It is like our journeys are very different and probably very similar since we both hope to grow our families with a new child in the end. (I think even though decisions and talks started before the actual attempt to add a child to our families, I think the "trying" part started about the same time) I too have surrendered a bit more to God and faith this month and like you, I also think that doing this might help things happen faster. I know I am wrong but, we will survive this and we will end up so blessed in the end.
Love you all! Keeping you close in our hearts and prayers!
Bridget
Post a Comment